My Plan A Epistle

The last couple of weeks I have been enjoying the beautiful cooling of the weather as I go walking at the near Bluffdale City park.  I especially have enjoyed this time because I take my headphones and listen to talks from BYU Speeches while I walk.  There is an archive of Classic Speeches on this website that I have been listening to and loving.  Today struck a chord with me and I can't help but come home and immediately share my thoughts.

Today's talk I listened to Elder David A. Bednar called, "In The Strength of the Lord," given October 2001.

First, a little background with some the things going on in my life:

I am overwhelmed.  Life is huge and hard and some days lonely.  Some days are worse than others with all that is required of me.  As much as I hate when my kids go back to school I am also grateful because it has given me time to do a few things for myself, like exercise and get organized.  But, being a single mom in a big house has too many responsibilities. 

A few weeks ago my grass was getting gigantic and HAD to be mowed, especially since the garbage men were coming the next day.  I spent over 2 hours mowing the lawn.  It was hard work.  I was sweating.  Please don't misunderstand I really appreciated the opportunity to be outside and get a work-out but I also had a huge list of things to be done that day and I didn't want to give 2 hours to mowing the lawn.  Throughout the years I have occasionally mowed the lawn but it was mostly Jeff's job or even most recently Maryn has enjoyed doing it.  I don't know why this particular day mowing the lawn for 2 hours caused me to be very emotional.  It slapped me in the face of the reality of my "single" situation.  I came in, sat on the couch and cried.  I cried because I want a husband who can do this work for me.  I was overwhelmed at all the weeds that needed pulling.  We had just weeded as a family a week before but these weeds returned with a vengeance.  I couldn't do it all and I felt the pressure of all of that this day.  I hated my yard without any pretty flowers or trees.  I hated my trampoline that was breaking.  I hated my sprinklers that weren't evenly watering the grass.  I was just plain ol grumpy about the outside duties that I didn't have time for.

The back window wiper got snapped off the window of our brand new car.  My dad helped me to take the broken one off, but I still had to go to the Honda place, pay 20 bucks to buy a new one and hopefully soon return it to my dad to put the new one on.  Big pain and hassle.

The maintenance light came on in the car to get it's 1st check.  I hate car issues but I need to take the car in.  That takes time and it's always chancy to have a woman take the car in... we get taken advantage of.  Happened before.

Yesterday as I paid my very first payment-of-gigantic-proportions for my own medical insurance I was VERY overwhelmed wondering "how can I afford this?"  I can't.  I don't know.

Fixing all the broken bikes, hanging my big red clock, hiding all the t.v. wires, replacing 6 burned-out bulbs in the bathrooms, organizing the storage room, fixing the carpet in the playroom, etc. etc.  These are just a very few list of things that would hopefully get done if I weren't a single parents.  Not to mention just the basics of driving kids around, homework, Parent/Teacher Conferences, dinner, clean-up, bedtime routines.  Mostly I am exhausted emotionally more than physically.

I get comments from my children all the time about wanting "a" Dad to come and live with us.  Yesterday Emmy said, "Mom, I miss having a Dad to live with us.  I feel safer when I have a mom and a dad around.  How much longer until you find a dad to live with us?"  Kills me.

Lately my prayers have been to help me hurry and find a husband for my kids.  I pray that he'll hurry soon so my kids can have an example of a great priesthood holder in the home who respects women.  I want them to have that example.  I want it SOON so they can have it ingrained in their hearts.  I know that won't solve all of my problems but sometimes I think it will.  I know it will make life easier to have a spouse to be my friend and to share the load of life but I also know that it won't fix everything.  Perhaps it will bring it's own new set of challenges but I'm willing to take my chances.  Actually, after hearing Elder Bednar's talk today I need to change my prayer... "make me strong to handle the demands."

Anyway, with that all being said here are some things that Elder Bednar shared that struck me in a personal way with my situation.

He retold the story of Nephi being tied to the ship by his brothers.  The storm came.  The brothers planned for Nephi's destruction.  Nephi's prayer was, "O Lord, according to my faith which is in thee, wilt though deliver me from the hands of my bretheren; yea, even give me strength that I may burst these bands with which I am bound."

Before Elder Bednar even said it, I had the thought, I would have prayed for my brothers to be tossed over board the ship.  Elder Bednar said that after Nephi said, "deliver me from the hands of my brethren," he would have added, "Please get me out of this mess, now!"  Nephi did not pray that his circumstances be changed, he prayed for the strength to change his circumstances. Elder Bednar then said, "I personally do not believe the bands with which Nephi was bound just magically fell from his hands and wrists. Rather, I suspect that he was blessed with both persistence and personal strength beyond his natural capacity, that he then “in the strength of the Lord” (Mosiah 9:17) worked and twisted and tugged on the cords and ultimately and literally was enabled to break the bands.

Another example:
In Mosiah 24 Alma and his people are being persecuted by Amulon.  In Elder Bednar's words he says, " As recorded in verse 14, the voice of the Lord came to these good people in their affliction and indicated: “And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs.”
"Now if I had been one of Alma’s people and received that particular assurance, my response likely would have been, “I thank thee, and please hurry!” But notice in verse 15 the process the Lord used to lighten the burden: “And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."

The burden of the people did NOT change.  Their challenges and difficulties were not removed quickly.  But, Alma and his people were strengthened so that the burdens they carried seemed lighter.  It doesn't even say that they prayed for the burdens to be taken away.  Amazing.

These people were empowered through the Atonement to act as agents and impact their circumstances—“in the strength of the Lord.”

Elder Bedar tells an amazing story of Dan Jones, a pioneer leader who helped rescue many pioneers in Wyoming after severe storms.  There was no food or meat to be eaten anywhere.  They tried eating the raw hide but it quickly made the people sick.  They even became sick just thinking about it. 

Here's an expert from Dan Jones' journal:

“Things looked dark, for nothing remained but the poor raw hides taken from starved cattle. We asked the Lord to direct us what to do. The brethren did not murmur, but felt to trust in God. We had cooked the hide, after soaking and scraping the hair off until it was soft and then ate it, glue and all. This made it rather inclined to stay with us longer than we desired. Finally I was impressed how to fix the stuff and gave the company advice, telling them how to cook it; for them to scorch and scrape the hair off; this had a tendency to kill and purify the bad taste that scalding gave it. After scraping, boil one hour in plenty of water, throwing the water away which had extracted all the glue, then wash and scrape the hide thoroughly, washing in cold water, then boil to a jelly and let it get cold, and then eat with a little sugar sprinkled on it. This was considerable trouble, but we had little else to do and it was better than starving” (Daniel W. Jones, Forty Years Among the Indians [Salt Lake City: Juvenile Instructor Office, 1890], 81).

Then Dan Jones said next, "We asked the Lord to bless our stomachs and adapt them to this food."

Amazing.

When you or I would have probably prayed earnestly for God to provide manna, quail, a buffalo, they prayed that their stomachs would be able to change to benefit from what it was given.  They didn't pray that their circumstances be changed but that they could be strengthened to deal with their circumstances. 

Dan Jones said, "We hadn't the faith to ask him to bless the raw-hide, for it was "hard stock.'  On eating now all seemed to relish the feast.  We were three days without eating before this second attempt was made.  We enjoyed this sumptuous fare for about six weeks."

I just think that these 3 examples are SO amazing!  I especially felt something stir within in me with the Dan Jones story.  We can all relate to food and eating and how it makes us feel.  They were able to use the enabling power of the atonement to not ask that their circumstances be changed but that they could be strengthened.  That's what we all should do in our troubles.  We are here on Earth to grow and learn.  We have things happen to us for a reason.  We can't expect that Heavenly Father will take away our times of growth if that's what we need to become who we are meant to be.  We need to be strengthened by them.  We need to rely on HIM for that strength.

On Sunday we had Ward Conference.  I recently have felt a connection to our Stake President when he came to our Young Women's fund raiser.  He came up to me and was so interested in my personal life and so appreciative of the work I was doing as the Young Women's President.  At Ward Conference he stood at the pulpit and stopped, looked over at me and said, “I am going to deviate from my talk for just a minute.  I feel impressed to tell you that the Singles are of great concern to the Brethren of this church.  Whoever you are, whether single by divorce or death or just never married you need to know that you are loved.”  Then, he looked over at me again and said, “I have a great concern for the singles in this ward.  I feel impressed to tell you that you are LOVED.  The Lord is aware of you.  When you think there’s no hope or a long road ahead of you—GOD KNOWS YOU!  I feel that strongly today as I sit in this meeting.”

Oh boy, did I need to hear that this day.

Because we don’t have many single women in our ward and because of the frequent gazes from the Stake President I felt like that was a personalized message to me. I felt loved and significant to not only Heavenly Father but to our stake president.  He’s a good man and I feel a lot of love from him.  I’ve only spoken to him once personally but when I did speak to him I felt like he already knew a lot about me and my situation.  I felt his care and concern.  That meant a lot!

Heavenly Father is aware of me.  He's making me stronger through my experiences.  I can't pray them away or waste them or resent my trials but I must pray for the strength to handle them that they may be made lighter.  I must pray that I can be up for the challenge and my body will adapt.  The timing of Elder Bednar's talk today was perfect for me.  I need to change my prayers asking to be made stronger so I can handle with a cheerful smile the sometimes heavy load of my life.

In having a conversation with a friend of mine, he said, "I don't believe that any of us are here living our Plan B."   Meaning, Heavenly Father is aware of every morsal of our lives.  Regardless of the trials, the difficulties, we are all living our Plan A.  There is nothing that happens by mistake.  I love knowing that as I am traveling along the "Plan A" pathway of my life that if I put my FAITH in Heavenly Father he will continue to make my "Plan A" meaningful and tailored to fit me.

Anyway, Blog people.  That's my epistle for today.  Just some thoughts and feelings.  I feel so grateful for the Gospel that gives us snipets everyday of things that can help me hold on, be better and look up! 
Amen.