Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Spiritual thought for the day

Here are some thoughts I've had this past week.

My Patriarchal Blessing says that "no righteous desire of my heart will be with held from me."
That sentence has given me a lot of comfort over the years because who after all doesn't want their desires to come true, especially righteous desires?
 
In the last 4 years I tried and tried to get Heavenly Father to keep His promise the way I thought it should be kept.  I wanted to save my marriage.  I wanted to save my family.  I knew it was worth saving.  I believed that my temple marriage was for all eternity.  I was fighting for it and willing to do whatever it took... even stay in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of saving my family.  I pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me.  I reminded Him of the words of my Patriarchal Blessing that "no righteous desire would be with held from me."  What more righteous desire than to keep your family together?  To save your marriage that had so much potential?  Well, because of free agency sometimes things aren't meant to be.  I had moments of being so confused and mad.  What about my righteous desire?  My family is decaying and it's not supposed to happen this way.

This story isn't over yet.  I don't know the ending but I do know that Heavenly Father will fill His end of the bargain... in His time.   He is going to give me my righteous desire in a joyful way that I've never imagined.  It's all in His time.  I have to be patient which is so hard because I want it NOW. I'd be ok if I had a time frame and knew how long I'd have to hang on.  How about, "you can expect your joy in 7 months time?"  It would be easier to hang on if I knew how much longer it would be. 

But since that's not how Heavenly Father works I am hanging on with faith.  I'm trying to be righteous every day so that I can be ready for the time when He's going to deliver His promise.  It could be any day.  I put on my lip gloss and fix my hair every day because I just never know if TODAY will be the day when my righteous desires will be fulfilled.  I want to be ready.  I can't let discouragement get me down because I don't want to delay the "righteous desire of my heart."

About a year ago I had an experience that seemed to be the focal point of all that I am experiencing.  It is something I think about every single day. (I might have already told it here on my blog, but I'm going to share it again in the context of this post.)
One day I took the kids to school in my pajamas and slippers, came home and had 20 minutes to jump into the shower and be off to an appointment I had with Maryn at her school 20 minutes away.  I had it timed just right so I wouldn't be late. 
As I pulled into the driveway I pushed on the garage door opener. 
It wouldn't open. 
I pushed it again. 
Still nothing. 
I moved closer and pushed. 
Nada. 
I tried and pushed and clicked that button but that garage did NOTHING. 
I prayed. 
Nothing. 
The spare key was inside the house.  I checked all the doors of the house.  I tried prying a window open.

I got serious and prayed again, "Heavenly  Father I know you're busy and all but please could you open that garage door so I won't be late to my appointment.  It's not that big of a deal, just a little thing for you to open that door for me.  Pretty please." 
Still nothing.
I started to cry and pray and cry really hard.
Then my faith weakened and I was mad at Heavenly Father.
"I knew it!  I prayed for my marriage and it didn't work.  I prayed for my teenage daughter and it didn't work. So why would you bother opening this garage door for me?!  Why would you help me with the little things if you don't even help me with the big things?"
It was the first time when I had some mad feelings toward Him.
I was frustrated and ready to throw in the towel.
I felt like He was far away and not doing anything for me anymore.  He didn't care.

I then humbled myself to the depths of humility and called Jeff to come with the spare key.  Ten minutes later he came and opened the door for me.  I resented that I had to call Jeff to come and save me, but what else was I going to do? I would have rather had Heavenly Father help me out.  I wanted Him to say, "I'm here.  I love ya.  You're going to make it.  I'm aware of you.  Here's a little tender mercy to remind you of all these things."

All day I was bitter and feeling like Heavenly Father didn't care about me anymore and that I was left on my own to figure out my life.  I had to drag myself through the rest of the day.

The next morning I woke up with some thoughts in my head that changed everything.  The first thought was this:

I'm pretty sure that Heavenly Father didn't open that garage door for me because He wanted to see if I would still be faithful if He didn't open the door. 

That was profound. 
My whole life I have been obedient and done the "right" thing because I know that's what I am supposed to do.  I want to receive blessings.  I always do the right thing just because it's the right thing; Molly Mormon thing to do.  But, this day I had the strong impression that this was a test for me.  When something doesn't go my way am I going to be bitter?  How long will I hang on?  He wants me to hang on all day, every day, forever and ever even if my "righteous desires aren't immediately fulfilled.

Was opening the garage door a "righteous desire of my heart?"  Not really.  It would have just made my life easier.  It wasn't a bad desire.  Heavenly Father was just testing me to see if I would continue having faith, continue being good and continue looking to Him in ALL things.  He could have twinkled that garage door open so easily but He chose not to because He wanted to make sure that I was still a true follower of Him no matter what.

I have a few friends who have stopped going to church because their life got too hard for them.  They stopped praying because they felt like Heavenly Father stopped hearing them.  THEY were the ones who left.  How can we be blessed if we aren't doing what is asked of us all the time?  Ready and waiting for the blessings?  Whenever they are meant to come.  I know that He is always there.  Our experiences are for US.  We are the ones who move away from Him. 

A favorite scripture of mine that I think about often is in the Doctrine and Covenants.  Joseph Smith is in the nasty Liberty Jail.  He's asking the Lord how much longer does he have to endure these things.  And here is the response:  Verse 17  And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

I LOVE that.  Everything we face here on Earth is for OUR experience.

We all have righteous desires of our hearts.  He is willing to grant us all of those things at the right time and place.  WE are the ones who have to be ready and actively worthy when He's ready to deliver.

That day my Faith grew and I was reminded that Heavenly Father is ALWAYS with me. 
I will do my part so I'm ready.  I won't be angry or stop going to church or stop praying.  This trial isn't going to get me derailed.  I will forge ahead with stronger might and strength to know that I am always ready for HIS blessings.

Are you?


That is all


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