The Announcement

So, it's time that I put out this post. 

Although I've known the time would come to announce it I've delayed in doing it because I knew it would be hard.
I won't try to make sense of it for you
I'll just get it out there. 

I am sending out my Fall/Christmas cards this week, it would be like the big elephant in the room to not say something.

It's time.

I have seen some of my friends who read this blog and told them of my news and and they were absolutely shocked because the tone in my blog does not give off a hint of the pain that is going on in my life. 

I didn't want it too.

Without being fake I have wanted my children to remember all the fun and happiness that continued on in life even though there was serious pain and heart ache. 

That's just life.

Ups and downs.

 

We are all here on Earth to learn and grow.  If life were easy we wouldn't need to be here on Earth.  But, we are.  We knew it would be hard.  We knew that we would have trials and hardships.  We accepted it and shouted for JOY as we came to Earth.

We are supposed to grow from the challenges and let those experiences refine us. 

That's how I have faced the last 2 1/2 years of my life...  

Wanting to let my trials make me better not bitter; wanting to be refined; wanting to have my relationship with my Savior be stronger.
I'm far from there but I do feel my perspective of
the Gospel and The Plan
have been my life preserver that have saved me.

 

The bottom line is that Jeff and I are in the middle of a divorce.

 

We have been separated since last November.

 

It has been a couple of years in the making

which doesn't make it any easier to talk about

but it's not something I have not taken lightly in coming to a decision.

 

There are so many angles that I could take in sharing this news. 

I could share the pain and sorrow I feel for Jeff.

I could share the anger and resentment that I have built up.

I could share how hard I have fought to keep my family together, to the extent of being willing to live in an unhappy relationship for 18 more years so my children don't have to suffer the effects of having a split home. 

I could share all the mixed emotions that come from this:

*confusion, anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness, fear, betrayal, rejection.

 

It's a buffet of feelings that are felt every day, minute by minute.

 

Through all the emotiona I have felt sustained.

I have had tender mercies happen that I can not deny that Heavenly Father is aware of me. 
I know it.

When I am angry and sad I have to remember those few moments of peace.

 

For so long I felt like a hypocrite as I have prayed to Heavenly Father asking Him if I should get a divorce.  Unless there has been abuse why would He answer a prayer with a mighty powerful, "YES" saying that it's ok to break up a family?

His plan is all about families!

His plan is to create and keep families!

I knew 19 years ago that Jeff was the man I was to marry.

I knew it and felt it and had peace and direction and guidance back then.

I have held on to the inspiration that I got back then to keep me hanging on during hard times throughout the years. 

Why would that inspiration be right then and not right now, 19 years later?

 

Because we have been given free agency and everyone has the power to use their agency.

 

It has taken me what feels like a long time to be ok with this but truly I am.

However,

I am not ok with the pain and suffering and confusion my children are facing.

I am not ok with being a single parent.

 

I must say that part of the process of coming to this point is wondering,

"how do I divorce someone I don't hate?"

Jeff and I haven't always had the greatest marriage, but we have been good friends. 

We have had a great life together. 

We have lived many many places and made memories and developed some eternal friendships. 

We have had some amazing experiences.

We have 4 children who are priceless.

I have had many comments over the years from people who are envious in some way that Jeff appears to be such a great husband; that we are the perfect couple.
Things aren't always what they seem, eh?

 

I always knew that we had invested enough into each other and our life together that our marriage was worth saving. 

 I was willing to do anything

to make any changes

to talk to any counselor

to change anything about me

to keep my family together.

 

But, it's not meant to be.

 

I have received blessings that have given me strength and courage.

I was given a particular blessing that let me know that I have done all I could do to save my family.  I could stand before God knowing that I have done everything. I know that He has blessings and Joys waiting for me that I can't yet receive in my current situation and it's time to move forward.

That brings me peace.
I am anxious for that JOY.
I need that PEACE.

 

He expects me to step into the darkness of the unknown so that I can be lifted to higher ground and grow.

I am ready to start a new chapter of my life.

I am fearful but so anxious.

It's been hard to have been FAKE for so long. 
For so long I have had to put on my happy face and say, "I am great!  How are you?"
I am tired of coming out of the bathroom after allowing myself a 2 minute sob session pretending that things are fine. 
I am tired of not being able to talk about it with anyone. 

To protect the innocent (my children) I won't get specific about the "Why's" this is happening. 
Some of you know why and you're welcome to call me if you're dying to know
But,
I'll just say that Jeff isn't the same person that I married and leave it at that.

I do have moments that I wake up in the morning and say, "I can't believe this is happening to me. 
Things like this aren't supposed to happen to me because I've been good."
I do have times where I feel like I am in a bad dream.
My heart aches most all days.
My heart is ripped out every day when my kids show signs of
pain and confusion and emotion. 
They are crazy. 
I can't believe I am putting them through this...
but you know what?
They are going to be ok.

I have talked to enough people who have traveled this same road where Heavenly Father has stepped in and taken care of those kids.  It doesn't make it all better, but it is a blessing to know that Heavenly Father can make them stronger, better people because of this trial.  That is my prayer every single day.

We have a "feeling" board where I let the kids write what feeling they are feeling that day. 
The word, "crappy" has been written on that board many times.

But we also have a gratitude journal that is filled with wonderfully happy things. 
We are so so blessed.

The miracle of us living in Utah is now made evident to all of us now.  However, even I didn't know that a divorce was in my future when we moved here.  Heavenly Father is so smart.
It's great to be closer to my family.

I don't know what my future holds.
I don't know how I will make it.

Right now we are living life one moment at a time
and I do know that we will be fine.

That's all.